Friday, November 11, 2011

Struggling With Being Here

In September, I wrote about attempting to be a super-stay-at-home-mom-trophy-wife-pseudo-artist person. I thought I had come to terms with not being one and moved on.

Well, it turns out that I just go through phases of really wanting to be one, then pushing it aside and pretending not to care that I'm not one, then coming back to really wanting to be one.

Right now, I'm in the really-want-to-be-one phase and it's hitting me hard. There are just so many things I want to be. And I want to be them now.

My sister posted this video on her blog a little while ago. I had it opened on my browser but hadn't gotten around to watching it. Days after opening it, I looked at it again and almost closed it without pressing 'play'. But then I decided to and I'm so glad I did.

BE HERE NOW from blaine hogan on Vimeo.

Thing is, I've been struggling with being present, being here, for a little while now. Not even a minute into the video my mind wandered off to write this post and I had to rewind it back to where I stopped paying attention. I think it has to do with me having so many thoughts and ideas and no soundboard to bounce them off of.

I haven't found someone I can really relate to, who I can share my heart with, because let's face it, it takes a long time and a lot of effort for me to open up to someone. And with Andrew being in med school and now doing his electives, a lot of times after he comes home and helps with dinner/the boys, he's tired and he needs his time to relax and unwind so I don't want to bother him with things on my mind. It's unhealthy I know.

For almost a year now I've been pushing my thoughts aside, storing them for a better time. But I'm so fractured and distracted now and I need to get things sorted out. So for the next little while I'll be taking some time for myself. Some of my thoughts may make it onto my blog, and some may not. I know a lot of you probably won't care to read it, some of you have already stopped reading and that's okay. My number of readers may drop to zero, and while I really appreciate all of you taking the time to connect with me and the lovely comments you leave, this is something I feel I have to do.

If you stick around, I really appreciate your company and I promise to keep up with posts about the boys, my projects and our adventures in Australia.


  1. *hugs*

    I guess you just need to find "your place and space". At the end of the day, if you find blogging therapeutic, go right ahead. You shouldn't trade sanity for readership.

    Besides, you are in my feeds, so I'm alwasy lurking. lol..

  2. Two things popped into my mind when I read this! The first (which may or may not be helpful to you) is that you've basically described my life more or less as of late as well. That, "this is not really who I want to be and yet maybe it isn't so bad and I'll live with it but really omg let's change everything and do that right this minute" kind of nagging awfulness. It's one thing to know that you need to slow down, take more time, be present and aware and okay with where you are...and another to actually do it.

    The second (and you may or may not know this) is that I actually think fairly regularly about you and how much I admire what you're doing and the big changes you've made over the year, AND that you're doing it all with two small kids in tow. It's surprising to me sometimes to hear that you're concerned or dissatisfied with where you are, because I feel like if I could have my crap together half as well as you do, I'd be patting myself on the back. Funny how that works, hey?

    I'm sure it must be super challenging to be far away from your people, to have to balance so much, and feel like you aren't sure if you're doing it right. But, then again, I'm reading this saying "oh yeah, I totally feel the same way". So, maybe it might not be so bad or weird or abnormal or wrong...maybe it might just be that thing that everyone thinks but no one says because we feel like everyone else is doing better than we are.

    (But, for the record, I definitely think you are totally a super-stay-at-home-mom-trophy-wife-pseudo-artist-person)

    Anyway, unsolicited advice, blah blah, ignore if you like. However! I would like to say that I am so, so, so around for a chat about things if you want to have one (really, they keep me sane too). Skype?

  3. ive never moved to another country and left friends and family behind so cant relate...but i am a people person and need friends nearby.....a lot of my friends dont live in my city...thats why i love facebook and email...allows me to stay in touch!!! and chat to them when i have a crap happy to receive an email from you if you ever want to vent!!!! a SC across the ditch....
    as for meeting others...maybe a coffee group or invite school friend over (son) and get to know more of the mums in your area...can be hard to do..but worth it when you find a new coffee mate

    kia kaha...which means Stay strong in Maori



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